She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
