have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
