happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
