Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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