my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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