You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
