She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Houston, we have a squirter
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
