One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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