I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
God I need to hump something, right now.
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