I'm going to rape someone's good day.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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