Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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