I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize