Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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