i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize