why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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