My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
