Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
