I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
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