this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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