Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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