Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
