the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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