he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
being pregnant is like rehab
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
