theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
