Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
