Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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