wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
