I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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