I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
