Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
