i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
