margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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