Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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