I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
