Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
