She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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