the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
