woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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