now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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