i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
