woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Randomize
