my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize