well you can't waste a boner
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
