My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
