He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
