What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
