you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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