You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
