Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
