drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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