A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
