he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize
