i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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