This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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