I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
