She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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