community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
