is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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