I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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