I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
