if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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