I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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