What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
