if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
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