My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
