Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
