I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I will be naked everywhere
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
