she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
