When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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