Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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