you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Randomize
